Dogs Don't Talk by Juliet Boyd

posted 22 Apr 2016, 10:04 by Juliet Boyd   [ updated 22 Apr 2016, 10:05 ]

The thing is, humans, they like to think dogs understand them. Which they do, to a certain extent. Sit. Stay. You know the kind of thing? They also believe they understand what dogs are trying to say to them. Tongue lolling out and panting, they take as a smile. Sitting up and begging, they want food. Well, the second one’s true, generally, but you see where I’m going?

Anyways, all you got to do is say the words in dog talk and wait for them to respond. A ‘yes’ is all you need, as long as you get the question in at exactly the right time. It’s only a teensy-weensy trick. Kind of a trade secret, if you know what I mean. It doesn’t matter they can’t hear what you’re saying. No way. And once they say that word, you’re in and they have no idea what’s hit them. What I do is say it over and over. By the law of averages, I gotta hit gold sometime. It goes like this. Watch closely.

“Do you want to sell your soul to me? Do you want to sell your soul to me? Do you want to sell your soul to me? Hey, lady, ain’t you got no heart?”

Phew, it’s hot in here.

You don’t have to say that last bit. Sometimes, it gets a bit frustrating when they ignore you. Patience isn’t our thing.

Anyways, the worst part is squeezing yourself into the shape of a dog. That really is the pits.

Hey, this is an exclusive, isn’t it? You’re not selling it to the overground rags. ‘Cos if this got out, there’d be hell to pay.


Inspiration from this post by @sarahjhalstead on Instagram